Media Jepang
'I resent you': Wife's remark a wake up call for husband over Japan's surname issue
MAINICHI
| Desember 31, 2024
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SAPPORO -- As Mana Sato, 37, struggled to cope with the changes that came to her after taking the last name of her now 32-year-old husband, she told him, "I resent you." The husband, Kiyotaka Nishi, hadn't realized the burden of legally changing one's last name until his beloved wife could not take the anguish any longer and had to utter such harsh words.
The Sapporo couple chose to divorce less than one year after they tied the knot, and now walk through life together not as a legally married couple but as partners. Nishi says, "It's the men that must take the issue as something that concerns them," as some 95% of couples in Japan go with the husband's family name.
Nishi was the one who wanted to be legally married to Sato. The two, both medical professionals, met in 2015 at the hospital they worked, and decided to tie the knot in 2019. Nishi had this vague idea that "marriage" meant "by law" which requires submitting a marriage notification to a municipal government.
Sato, on the other hand, was troubled. While "Sato" is a common name in Japan, she felt by becoming "Mana Nishi" she wouldn't be herself. At the same time, she didn't want to force the person she loved, with whom she would spend her life together, to change his last name.
"I don't want to change my last name and I don't want you to change yours. I'm fine with common-law marriage," Sato told Nishi.
Nishi struggled to fully understand her feelings of conflict. He recalled that his relatives had expressed concerns, asking, "Is a common-law marriage really the same as being married?" Reflecting on that time, he admitted, "I understood that she didn't want to change her last name, but I think I just assumed that, in the end, she would."
Ultimately, Sato gave in, though still feeling uneasy. She thought to herself, "Maybe if I just change my name, everything will work out. Maybe I'm being difficult and causing trouble for everyone," as the day to submit their marriage registration arrived. When she checked the box for "husband's surname" on the form to specify which name the couple would use, she was shocked to find that she was not happy about her marriage. On the day they were supposed to celebrate a new beginning, their hearts were already out of sync.
The stress of losing her last name took a toll on Sato's mental and physical health. Her workplace did not allow her to use her maiden name as a business name, so her name "Mana Sato" began disappearing from name tags, medical charts and databases. When she asked colleagues to continue calling her Sato, one supervisor told her, "You're Nishi now. Why are you so attached to your old name?" There were times when she stamped her old name on documents and was told to redo them with "Nishi."
Gradually, she found herself unable to eat and would burst into tears at work more often. Eventually, she was diagnosed with adjustment disorder and had no choice but to leave the job she had loved for over 10 years.
"I resent you." Unable to contain her feelings, she let the words slip out. Nishi was shocked.
"I've done something to hurt the person I care about the most and now she resents me," he realized. Determined to support her, he quickly decided to switch to a common-law marriage. About nine months after their legal marriage, the couple filed for a divorce, but just on paper.
From that point, Nishi began to change. He started doing research on the movement advocating for a selective surname system for married couples and engaging in discussions with Sato. Together, they joined an initiative Sato had learned about on social media, which lobbies local assemblies, and visited assembly members' offices as a couple. Discussions about politics and social issues became a normal part of their household.
Before they knew it, their hearts were aligned. Sato noticed the changes in Nishi and said with a sense of trust, "I felt that he understood me, and that we could stay together forever." She added, "In a society where it's taken for granted that women change their surnames, there's a structural issue that prevents people from recognizing the feelings of those who don't want to. We want to start by doing what we can together."
In March 2024, the two became plaintiffs in a class action lawsuit advocating for the option of separate surnames for married couples. They are seeking damages from the government, arguing that provisions in the Civil Code and Family Register Act, which prevent married couples from choosing separate surnames, violate Article 13 of the Constitution guaranteeing respect for individuals.
At a press conference held when the class action was filed with the Sapporo District Court, Nishi stated, "One reason this issue hasn't moved forward is that men don't see it as their own problem." He called on men to reflect, saying, "Ask yourself, 'Would I want to change my last name?' I didn't want to. Assuming that women must want to change their last name when you don't is a fantasy. Even if the system appears gender-equal, it's a one-sided issue, and I want people to understand that."
(Japanese original by Karen Goto, Hokkaido News Department)
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